It Went and Was Worth It—A Letter for Captain Wentworth

I am confused. I am earnestly so confused that I don’t know what to think of you or myself. What I do understand though is that there’s a present agitation and disunity betwixt the two of us. It is an understanding that troubles me deeply. I have, before I started writing this letter, been reading an excerpt from Jane Austen’s Persuasion—the conversation between Captain Harville and Anne, on the motion that between men and women, the latter are more fervent and constant in their attachments and affections. It is widely believed so. But Anne’s submissions are consoling. She does not think the motion to be wholly true, but she qualifies it by asserting that although men also do deeply feel attached and possess a constancy in their affection, her sex possesses the talent of loving longest especially when all hope is gone. I am not going to agree to or dispute these statements, but I will assert that in this present day, it is a rather delicate task to point out just one couple that is truly in love. But this is a debate for another day.

My object was not to remind myself of this debate. I picked up the book because it is written in such good English and elegant language that reading a few lines and paragraphs would do so much in grooming my determination and inclination to write this letter to you. Not to brag, but I believe that you would agree with me that indeed this is not commonplace speech. I am a writer and so I love good letters. I know you love them as well because you are the same as me, I dare say. I know you are not particularly fine, at least with our previous conversation. Some wires could have been cut or let loose, but you once cautioned that this journey would be a bumpy one. Nonetheless, I am most certainly assured that you are anxious to read further. You must be silently smiling to yourself and wondering what it is that your beloved (I suspect now nagging) boyfriend is up to.

You can be sure this time around that I intend to keep that coy smile on. Of course, I desire to have you wear it every single day of our life, but that is something that has already proved a hectic promise to keep up with. I am nevertheless never going to give up the fight. I have some things to say to you. But allow me to begin by apologizing for my rather disconcerting behaviour. I must also quickly say that I said what I said out of deep affectionate distress. Surely, it was not desired to distress you but rather to entreat you to feel what I felt. I think we each have a lot to say, but I think there’s something wrong that I did that distressed you so much that your response is rather cold-fashioned. Before the present fight, you were wont to caress my hefty passions. For all that I did, I am sincerely penitent.

I write to assure you that despite this apparent tiff, my disposition towards you remains enduring. You still pierce my soul. You still make me trace out your face when I close my eyes while I lie on my bed. You still make me think of how we met and started on this journey. You still enchant me to think about you in earnest mesmerism. You still ‘disturb’ me, to say the least. And now, I can no longer go to sleep. I can no longer lie and rest. To spend any further time without talking to you and smiling and laughing with you cannot be borne. The thought of it drives me nuts, to say nothing of the fact that tomorrow is the 4th of this month. You know what that signifies. I have missed you so much I cannot tell how I desire to hear your sweet voice saying sweet nothings to my impatient ear. These many many days cannot be said to be just a few. I would kill one who dared claim so, at least in my mind. I cannot help but picture our future days to come: the fun moments, the sad moments and of course the silly moments (forgive my perversion but it is you to blame).

Dearest Kay (fictitious name), my heart beats fast for none but you. If I may have the pleasure to see this letter blue-ticked tonight, and you pick up my phone call and talk to me, I will sleep well. And I will know I am still

Blessed Atwine,

Your Sunshine.